2007年12月7日 星期五
I stayed up last night, so I got up late today. When I rode through the underground passage on my way to school, there was an elder stopped at middle of the passage to pick up her stuff. But, no one noticed that she was there. Then, an accident happened. A motorcycle in front of me hit the elder’s motorcycle first. I didn’t know she had already hit the elder’s motorcycle; therefore, I kept riding on my regular speed. But, it was too late for me to notice that it was an accident there. Suddenly, I could not control my brake and hit their motorcycles. Another motorcycle behind me hit mine, too. This accident caused at least four motorcycles hit together. Actually, it is really dangerous when picking up stuffs at a non-stop underground passage because everyone won’t stop.
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"there was an elder stopped at middle of the passage to pick up her stuff." This sentence is unclear.
First, the word "elder" is incorrect here. It should be "old woman". And "elder" is really a title. In the Mormon Church, for example, 18-year-old boys are called "elders". They aren't old.
Second, "in the middle".
Third, "to pick up her stuff" makes it sound as if she was picking up some stuff the way a person would go to the post office to pick up her mail. It's necessary to clarify this and say "to pick up some stuff that had fallen off her motorbike". Now the situation is clear. She was blocking the road and had put herself in a dangerous situation.
"I kept riding at my regular speed."
"I could not control my brake". What does this mean? It's not normal. It should be either "My brakes failed" or "I could not control my bike". Those two make sense.
"Actually, it is really dangerous when picking up stuffs at a non-stop underground passage because everyone won’t stop."
First, there is no need for "actually", so don't say it.
Second, it should be "dangerous to stop in the middle of an underground passage to pick up fallen goods".
Third, it should be "because nobody will be able to stop in time".
The question every reader should be asking about this paragraph is "Did anyone get hurt?" Maybe another is "How fast was everyone going?" And a third is "Did you and everyone else have your lights on?"
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